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Like the maniacal kid in that scary movie, all the horrors associated with the American education system will be back as soon as Labor Day passes.

Personally, I don't think our schools or their students are all that bad, but there are those who are sure to become hysterical over some facet of education before the first semester is concluded. That's just par for the course in the upper middle-class yuppie society we live in.

Now I believe in calm, common-sense approaches to social problems, but people like me are in the minority. Today calm is out and hysteria is in.

Well, if we're going to get hysterical I might as well exercise my yuppie right and be the first in line. I can go off the deep end as well as anyone.

Let's start with the problem that draws the most media attention--weapons in schools.

There have indeed been some horrifying incidents in recent years where students have attacked teachers and other students with guns. No one wants to see that happen and every precaution should be taken.

But amid the weapons hysteria there have also been third-graders who have been tossed out of school because they brought a table knife to school to spread their butter.

Zero tolerance! That's the policy of the day. Well, if that's the rule, let's get everything out of our schools that can be used as a weapon. School officials should make no exceptions.

Let's start with a No. 2 lead pencil. Do you realize that one student can put another child's eye out with one? A sharp No. 2 lead pencil is essentially a spear and a spear is most certainly a weapon. A pencil through the heart is as deadly as a knife.

This is a computer society and we are past the point where we need to write. Children should be using keyboards, not pencils. Any student found with a sharpened pencil on school property should be suspended.