|
|
BASEBALL IS NOT a game of cultural refinement. It's a nasty game.
Major League Baseball players will do almost anything in front of 40,000 people and a television audience of millions.
This fact suddenly hit me the other night as I watched a clean-cut young man step out of the batter's box, lean forward slightly and blow his nose while the TV camera was showing a close-up of him.
This guy, of course, didn't use a handkerchief. He simply put his finger against one nostril and blew vigorously through the other. Then he repeated the procedure on the other side.
Now I would bet all the zucchini in my garden that this player came from a good family and was properly schooled in the art of nose-blowing. And if his mother was watching when he blew his nose in front of all those people, she surely had to be restrained from driving out to that ballpark and taking a switch to her son.
Despite the best upbringing, baseball players are ill-mannered men when the game is in progress and do things they would ordinarily never do elsewhere in public. They will, during the course of almost any given game--and I watch maybe 30 contests a week--blow their noses, scratch themselves, spit, pick their noses and blow sunflower-seed hulls in every direction.
And none of these ill-mannered transgressions seem to elude the camera. It is as if games are scripted and ballplayers know exactly when to spit or scratch.
While players usually scratch themselves or blow their noses out on the field--in full view of everyone--they save most of their other nasty habits for the dugout, where they don't think they will be seen. But TV cameras find nose-picking players with the same efficiency that tornadoes home in on trailer parks.
When the cameras pan the dugouts, you will notice that players generally sit on the back of the bench with their feet on the seat.
There is a good reason for this. A ballplayer's nastiness usually winds up on the dugout floor.
Ah! The dugout floor. TV cameras never show the dugout floor, for the same reason C-SPAN never shows the main body of the House of Representatives or Senate: The aura of majesty would be lost in a heartbeat.
Having frequented hundreds of dugouts in my lifetime--from sandlot baseball to the major leagues--I know that by the seventh inning those cement floors are a montage of saliva, tobacco spit, seed hulls and dirt.
Cups of spit, added to frequently by players who dip snuff, sit under the benches and often are knocked over by careless feet or thrown equipment. When Earl Weaver was managing in Baltimore, the Orioles' dugout floor was strewn with cigarette butts.
There are probably germs on dugout floors that haven't even been discovered yet.
You see baseball players do things that you never see done during games in other sports. For example, I have never seen a basketball player blow his nose during a game without using a tissue or handkerchief.
Nor have I ever seen a football player carry a spit can around with him on the sidelines. And hockey players never scratch themselves during a game.
I guess the difference is the pace of the game. Baseball is slower and players have more time to kill. That's why they sit around in the dugout and bullpen eating sunflower seeds and spitting hulls.
Basketball players barely have time for a drink of water during a contest.
Baseball players are more spread out, too. If a football player wanted to adjust his athletic supporter during a game, he could do so in the huddle and out of the sight of fans and cameras.
Not so with baseball players. When a runner slides into second base and feels that an equipment adjustment is necessary, there is no huddle out there in which to hide. Whatever he does will be in full view of all the fans.
The consequences of a baseball player's actions are also not as dire of those of players in other sports. A batter can simply turn away from the plate and blow his nose without affecting anyone.
If a quarterback walked up to the line of scrimmage and blew his unprotected nose, he'd have some angry 300-pound lineman to deal with. All a baseball player has to worry about is his mother or wife seeing him perform the ill-mannered act and giving him a hard time later on.
The truth of the matter is that nastiness has evolved as a vital part the game of baseball.
For whatever reason, baseball players believed for decades that they had to chew tobacco to perform well. When taking a chaw began to lose favor, players began pinching snuff, a habit previously reserved for old women.
Then there is pine tar, that sticky, gooey substance that players rub over their bat handles. It is supposed to provide a better grip, but bats still fly off into the stands.
Craig Biggio of the Houston Astros has pine tar all over his batting helmet and so much on his bat that the icky stuff gets all over his uniform when he rests the lumber on his shoulder. He finishes every game looking like a pulpwood-truck driver.
In the movie "A League of Their Own" (about women's baseball during World War II), all the girls had to attend classes on charm and grace before being allowed to play. That might not be a bad idea for today's major leaguers. At least they might learn to scratch themselves in a more dignified and graceful manner.
Oh! Major League Baseball players have one other nasty habit, too--threatening to strike.
Fans may overlook the spitting, scratching and nose-blowing, but one more strike and baseball may be out. We fans don't mind players spitting--as long as they don't spit on us.
DONNIE JOHNSTON covers the Culpeper area for The Free Lance-Star. Write him at The Free Lance-Star, 616 Amelia St., Fredericksburg, Va. 22401; or by fax at 540/373-8455.