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Dinner, unplugged

February 23, 2003 1:07 am

COPLEY NEWS SERVICE

When was the last time you made it home from work in time, or turned off the TV and the video games, to eat dinner together as a family--like you did when you were a child?

Come on. Be honest.

If you want to keep up with the Joneses, you'd better start making family dinners a priority.

A nationwide survey confirms the family dinner is again trendy. About 80 percent of families surveyed reported eating dinner together at least five times a week. However, for three of four American families, the focus is more likely to be on television than the other family members sitting at the dinner table.

Turn it off and invest the time in your children, says Nancy Maloney, a marriage and family counselor in Redondo Beach, Calif.

"The 9/11 wake-up call has affected every family in the nation," Maloney said. "I've seen a huge switch for families who had been watching television at 5 and 6 o'clock.

"Turn it off. Sit around the table. Start a discussion. Start by saying 'One of the most exciting things that happened to me today was ' or 'What I'm looking forward to tomorrow is ,'" she said. "Prompt sharing in a positive way."

With the number of dual-income families on the rise, family time or quality time together can suffer, Maloney said.

"It's very important to reconnect. This is a time we can set aside at least a half-hour together when we're definitely making eye contact with one another."

The Daniels family of five in Torrance, Calif., has dinner together every night between 5:30 and 6.

"I grew up with it," said Nancy Daniels, 32. "We ate together as a family all the way through high school. My husband's family did, too. To me, it's the norm to eat together. It has to be a priority."

Daniels works from home, and her husband, Paul, 37, is a computer consultant working at different job sites each week.

Dinner is when the couple finally gets some quiet time with their three children ages 1, 3 and 4.

"We always find out how Daddy's day was. He asks how my day was. The children always thank me for the meal and we talk about what's gone on at school that day."

The children know it's a special time to learn and ask questions too. "I'm sure as they get older they'll eventually ask more questions at dinnertime. But right now they're just so excited to have Daddy home," Nancy Daniels said after a weeknight meal.

Dinner can be a time to connect with your children, let them ask questions and talk about their day, their concerns, their future.

The benefits stretch beyond the dinner table, says William Doherty, director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Center at the University of Minnesota. Doherty is the author of "The Intentional Family, Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties" (Avon Books, $12.95) and co-founder of Family Life 1st, an organization committed to making family time a priority.

"Regular family dinners can establish a family ritual that fosters deep connections," Doherty said.

Doherty offers the following tips for keeping your family focused on communication--not cable--during dinnertime together.

Set the mood. Establish a quiet place and time for meals, at a clutter-free table without the TV. Make sure the answering machine picks up calls. These intentional actions communicate to the family that dinners are to be held close to the heart.

Divide and conquer. Divide dinner chores between family members. Ask children to help with age-appropriate tasks such as setting the table or washing vegetables. Getting everyone involved helps take the pressure off the cook and helps other family members appreciate the work that goes into preparing a meal.

Like clockwork. Be somewhat predictable with family meals. Dinner doesn't have to be at the same time every night, but do let family members know in advance when dinner will be served so everyone can schedule accordingly.

Be flexible. When schedule conflicts arise, your family might need to adjust and find a different time that suits everyone.

The guest list. If possible, the entire family should be included in the meal, but if someone can't make it, carry on as usual. Also, don't let pouting children skip--it's more important that they understand they're part of the family.

Cook up conversation. Put some advance thought into dinnertime conversation. Family dinners should be a pleasant experience, so try to save unpleasant topics, such as a negative report card, for another time.

Balance the scale. Who's doing the talking? Include all family members in the conversation, especially children and new family members, by directly addressing them in conversation.

A survey for the National Pork Board, which established National Eat Dinner Together Week (in October) in 1996, determined that although 80 percent of parents and 65 percent of children agree that the most important family activity is making time to talk to each other, they disagree on enjoyable topics. Children want to talk about friends, TV shows and music. Parents would rather talk about family events, school and goals.

Sound familiar?

Then try questions such as these:

You've just won 100 pounds of anything except cash or jewels. What is your choice?

If you could have three famous friends, who would they be?

Which would you choose: being able to fly or to become invisible?