LET'S MAKE ONE thing clear from the get-go.

I ain't one of them no-gun nuts.

Every good American needs a rifle to bring home deer and rabbit and squirrel to cook up for supper.

We all need to defend our homes and families from them tourists--um, I mean terrorists.

My question is this:

Why do we, in the general public, need flash suppressors to go after Bambi or fend off some teenage kid trying to swipe our Sony Trinitron?

Flash suppressors are used in combat so the enemy can't pinpoint a night shooter's location by the flame from the muzzle. Technically, flash suppressors are illegal, but the public can buy "flash hiders" that do just about the same thing.

And why do we general public types need 50-caliber sniper rifles that can kill a man at a range of up to a mile with a round that would blow a hole in a tank at long range?

(As I'm writing this, I'm calling one gun shop after another, saying, "Excuse me, do you carry 50-caliber sniper rifles? Uh-huh. Very good! And that will drop someone from how far away? You don't say! It'll do what to a watermelon?! And do you have flash suppressors? Mmm-hmm. I see. Thank you, you've been very helpful."

Everyone sitting at desks near mine is packing up quickly and leaving work early. Very early.)

(Don't worry. I've fired every type of weapon they have at the FBI Academy and I can't hit a thing.)

Anyway, I mean, is Bambi on steroids now? Was she exposed to gamma radiation, like the Incredible Hulk?

Have there been any reports of deer or rabbits shooting back at hunters? Are we afraid Thumper will see the flash from our hunting rifles at night and track us down, then shoot us in the back of the heads, mob-hit style?

Do we need to make pre-emptive strikes on people we think may be on their way to break into our homes while they're still a mile away? You know, shady-looking types wearing ski masks and carrying empty pillowcases.