There's a petition going 'round the Internet to have Britney and her new free-loading fiance, Kevin Federline, star in the next "Newlyweds" for MTV. I encourage you to seek it out and slap your J. Hancock on it.
Imagine millions of Americans, noses only millimeters away from the tube, trying to pinpoint the exact moment in time that it became clear the relationship would die.
Wait for itwait for itAh yes! Right there when he slammed his drink down and stormed out of the room; they've got three months left--tops!
MSN reports that Britney's mom is lobbying to have MTV take the idea seriously, and dear God, I hope they do.
I mean, really--we all thought Jessica Simpson was a moronI guarantee Britney's got her beat. At least Jessica had the common sense to marry someone good-looking.
Mean girl, old guyWhy am I the only person disturbed by the relationship of Lindsay Lohan and her man candy, Wilmer Valderrama?
At barely 18, the girl is just a zygote (well-formed zygote) compared with Wilmer, who's like 47--OK, maybe 24.
But really, they've been dating for quite a while even before she became legal, and I don't think that's rightI have trouble sleeping at night.
And I almost tossed my cookies at reports that Lindsay and Wilmer were spotted shopping for promise rings at Tiffany, according to the New York Post.
What is that about?! An engagement ring is a promise ring; a promise ring is just a promise to promise to marry someone.
Come off it, people! Look at Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal--a promise ring didn't help them out.
Honestly, Wilmer--that ring will be good only until Lindsay turns 19, because by then she'll have dumped you for that Frankie Muniz kid and you'll be out a few thousand dollars.
That's money that you're going to need when they repo your car and evict you from your house because you're a no-talent hack with absolutely zero star power.
Bits 'n' piecesTidbits: MSN reports that after hearing news of Nic Cage's recent wedding, his ex-wife (uh, which one?) apparently racked up 100k on his tab during a trip to Hawaiihell hath no fury!
Gawker reports that outspoken PETA supporter Cindy Crawford is now wearing fur again, proving that everyone has a price.
Also according to Gawker, Paris Hilton has finally found her lost dog, Tinkerbell, so you can all stop looking.
BASSEY ETIM-EDET is a student at Northern Virginia Community College.