The best in cruel wisdom.

Date published: 10/28/2004

Dear Dr. Sly: Do you think I should get my lip pierced or arm tattooed? I think it would add depth to my character.

--Chameleon in Fredericksburg

All you kids with your choices to physically deform yourselves with lip rings, tattoos and hair dye are going to regret it when you're 50 and reminded of how full of life you once were.

Imagine your regret when you look down at the permanent memorabilia, and remember a time when you were capable of walking 20 yards without needing a place to sit down.

Think of your future shame when you recall the days when you were fit, healthy and could fall down and get back up again without any help.

Trust me--these memories will hurt too much. Don't do it.

Dear Dr. Sly: it! magazine needs more "face in the crowd" stories. How can I get my face on the back of this wonderful publication for free and have my glowing personality splashed onto a sheet of paper with newsprint?

--Face in Crowd

The answer is easy, quick and like you said, free. First, e-mail one of those newfangled digital pictures of your radiant face to it@freelance star.com. Tell them you'd like to be in Face in the Crowd and leave your telephone number.

From there, one of it!'s professional journalists will contact you with a list of personalized questions via e-mail, telephone or telegraph. The Pony Express, sadly, is out of business.

Spend 10 to 15 minutes answering them, and then send 'em back.

You'll see yourself on the back of it! in no time.

Fame and fortune to follow? Maybe--just maybe.

Dear Dr. Sly: My son is hanging out with all the wrong people! I worry for his safety when he leaves with a group of misfits who all wear "No Fear" T-shirts. What do I do?

--Worried Mother in Falmouth

Get the broom out and teach those youngsters to fear the wrath of a protective mother. Nothing is better than some straw upside the head.

On the other hand, you could always attempt to see their inherently good qualities, if any.

Dress similarly and insist upon hanging out with your son's friends. Follow them to the candy market, the bowling alley, the library and many other haunts they frequent.

After you know them, judge them accordingly.

If you have a question for the good doctor, you can send it via e-mail to: jacksly@excommence .com. Follow his advice at your own peril. Or not.

Date published: 10/28/2004