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Party in da house: A spotlight on some odd political third parties

November 2, 2004 1:07 am

YOUTH CORRESPONDENT

We're all sick of it.

No one wants to hear any more about President Bush, weapons of mass destruction or speculation about Kerry and his ketchup-queen wife.

By now, those of us who can vote know who we're voting for, and those of us who can't just don't want to hear it anymore. The past few months have been packed with traditional election hullabaloo, but as usual, the most interesting candidates are being ignored.

So, if you're bored to death of the Kerry/Bush hoopla, there is always that exciting third-party option. (All proceeding quotes are from vote-smart.org.)

Ever heard of Sterling David Allan? He's running for president under the Providential Party ticket.

For starters, he wants to eliminate federal funding for law enforcement, education, the arts, international aid, welfare and homeland security. He believes in the elimination of the "socialist" income tax, and that no limits should be imposed on federal elections. After all, that is socialism.

He is anti-civil unions and pro-death penalty. Mr. Allan also advocates an American withdrawal both from Iraq and the U.N. ("Why the U.N.? United Nations is socialist. I am for world government based on freedom and individual responsibility and virtue.") Mr. Allan appears to have a complex.

Mr. Allan's would-be arch-enemy, Walter Walt Brown, is running as a Socialist. Brown is a Unitarian Universalist, committed to the Socialist Party platform of personal privacy and the defense of Roe vs. Wade. (If you're wondering, the Socialist Party also recognizes an intimate link between racism and capitalism.)

He wants to distribute taxes in proportion with earnings and close corporate loopholes. Brown is adamant about the protection of write-in votes and wants to prohibit the canvassing of write-in voters. After all, those are the only votes he will be getting.

The Libertarian candidates are always fun. This year, the popular candidate is Michael J. Badnarik, a certified skydiving instructor and three-time failed candidate for positions in Texas. Badnarik supports the withdrawal of troops from Iraq, legalization of medical marijuana, and wants the U.S. to step out of the Palestinian-Israeli peace talks.

The candidate also wants the repeal of gun control and the rights for gays to form civil unions.

On gay marriage, Badnarik says, "Just as the Catholic Church has historically disdained divorce among its congregation, so too will some religious groups refuse to bless gay unions. Both those who support and those who condemn gay marriage will be free to practice their beliefs and persuade others to their way of thinking."

Until now, you might not have been aware of the Native American Party, who's putting up Jacques Yves 'Chief Jack' Boulerice for candidacy.

Chief Jack chooses to focus on domestic problems, including environmental protections and American Indian rights. His positions on foreign policy are consistent--he supports the withdrawal of troops from Iraq and an American pullout from the U.N. Boulerice backs the scaling back and eventual elimination of foreign aid. Boulerice promotes the legalization of medical marijuana and universal health care.

One unforgettable candidate is Mr. Dave Cogan. Cogan is running under the National Barking Spider Resurgence ticket, which believes that truth in government is poobah but unlike our counterparts, we will at least be honest about it.

Judging by their entertaining Web site, they also would advocate having Senator Kerry strung up and shot. They've even got a song about him!

The Green Party candidate is David Keith Cobb, whose first concern is, of course, the environment. As if that wasn't enough, he's not Nader! What more could you want?

Running for the second time is Jackson Kirk Grimes for the United Fascist Union. Mr. Grimes demands the decriminalization of party-favor drugs, including marijuana and cocaine, the reduction of the minimum wage to one dollar, and the elimination of affirmative action. As for Iraq? "We believe President Hussein was slandered by lying propaganda of the Bush regime, the U.N. should make the Americans quit the country, President Hussein (if he still lives) should be restored to power and the Bush family fortune and all their property and holdings should be given to president Hussein and the Iraqi people."

The most notable female running is Ms. Temperance Alesha Lance-Council, for the Anti-Hypocrisy Party. Lance-Council is pro-death penalty, pro-affirmative action, and wants to push stronger environmental laws.

Not only is she a VCU and CSU alumni, she's a current member of Phi Theta Kappa and Kappa Alpha Psi Sweetheart Organization. Can you think of anyone better to run the country?

In conclusion, maybe the two-party system isn't so bad after all.

CASSIE KIMBERLIN is a junior at Brooke Point High School.