NO OFFENSE to my news- paper colleagues, but I don't really consider us a sexy lot.

I mean, we're not wholly unattractive. I've seen worse mugs on "America's Most Wanted."

But most of us are not centerfold-ready. We're more in the league of Bridget Jones than Brigitte Bardot.

So I was surprised a few weeks back when I pulled a postcard out of my mailbox advertising the latest styles by Express.

The collagen-lipped sirens on the front of the ad looked like Victoria's Secret models, only they were wearing pants.

And not just any pants.

According to the ad, these were the Straight Sexy Editor Pant™ and the New! Curvy Sexy Correspondent Pant™.

Sexy editor? In what mythical newsroom was this marketing campaign based?

I imagined a bunch of Express ad executives crowded around a conference room table.

Exec No. 1: All right, team. We've got these sexy new trousers to market. Our first choice for a name, Straight Sexy Lunch Lady Pant™, is already taken. So, unfortunately, is New! Curvy Sexy Aluminum Siding Salesman Pant™. You guys got any other ideas?

Exec No. 2: I always thought that Lou Grant character was kind of hot. How about the Straight Sexy Editor Pant™?

Exec No. 1: Done.

The thing is, you could tell right off the bat that the model wearing the editor pants--or is it pant?--wasn't really an editor.

The fact that her white shirt had neither coffee nor ink stains on it was a dead giveaway.

Also, she seemed to be having a major wardrobe malfunction. That, or the buttons on her matching Express top stopped at the navel.

And the raven-haired super-model in the New! Curvy Sexy Correspondent Pant™ was no correspondent.

When I was in college, I was a correspondent for a newspaper on Florida's west coast. I got paid by the story to cover events in and around my college town.

I was neither curvy nor sexy. Mostly, I was hungry and uninsured.

Unlike the Straight Sexy Editor Pant™, the New! Curvy Sexy Correspondent Pant™ does not come with any matching tops.

So the "correspondent" in the ad is forced to fold her waiflike arms across her otherwise exposed Double Ds.

Pity.

Curious about the inspiration for the names of the pants, I checked out the Express Web site.