N THE FALL OF 2002, I passed a newly minted college diploma on my way out the door each morning to the job I'd always wanted--in the area where I'd hoped to live.
At 21, I had youth on my side. The world was at my fingertips, all for the taking.
Life should've been good.
Two months earlier, I'd been hopefully poised on the threshold of adulthood, anxious to start my life. I'd accomplished what I set out to do.
This, though, was precisely the problem.
Now what?
If I was lucky, I had a good 60 years left. What the heck would I do with 60 years?
I panicked. Then I slipped into a depression.
And I wondered what kind of person dreads an abundance of years, a future open to a sea of possibilities. Surely a twisted one.
But guess what? I recently discovered that my experience was not a solitary one. That the incapacitating realization of "Now what?" is more common than uncommon.
That (arguably) I wasn't crazy after all. That the months I spent festering and questioning and agonizing were, according to a 2001 national best-selling book, quite real.
I had simply suffered a quarterlife crisis.
Authors Alexandra Robbins and Abby Wilner officially coined the term in "Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties."
The 200-page book explores the decade that is supposed to be roaring but is in fact riddled with uncertainty.
The crisis affects "twentysomethings," Robbins and Wilner write.
It strikes when graduates find themselves thrust into the real world, a place devoid of the structure and clear-cut pathways they always knew.
The crisis is marked by "overwhelming instability, constant change, too many choices, and a panicked sense of helplessness," they write.
Wow. How did they know?
Robbins and Wilner know because, both in their 20s, they went though it. And their friends went though it. And so did the more than 100 young people they interviewed for "Quarterlife."
In the fall of 2002--and well into 2003--while at the height of my crisis, I would have gobbled up the book, thankful to know I wasn't alone.
As it turned out, I discovered it just a couple of months ago--well into recovery. I saw "Quarterlife" on a co-worker's desk and did a double take.
Quarterlife crisis? There's such a thing? Before I ever picked it up, I knew what the book would be about. Those months of mental mêlee and misgivings instantly had a name.
"Quarterlife Crisis?" I said aloud. "I went through one of those!"
Not aloneMy co-worker--the one with the copy of "Quarterlife" on her desk--had borrowed the book from another co-worker. Others we knew also had read it. This started a discussion among our peers.
"Quarterlife" is now making the rounds among our newsroom compatriots.
Said one peer: "It's like [the authors] got inside my mind."
Almost every twentysomething I talk to is familiar with the idea of the quarterlife crisis, even if they are not aware that it has a name.
"We've all paused and said, 'Well, what now? Is that all there is?'" said Michael Lim, a 26-year-old Dahlgren scientist. "I guess some of us have found different ways to put more meaning into life."
Some of his friends have turned down good jobs to join the Peace Corps or travel.
Jobless, Melanie Allen moved back home after graduating from the University of Virginia in 2002 with an environmental science degree. But she found work--not her ideal--and it led to a job with the Virginia Department of Transportation. Now, Allen is doing what she wants to do.
Billy Hollenbach, a 22-year-old insurance agent, recently found himself at a crossroads facing a mine of choices. Does he stay in Fredericksburg? Or strike out somewhere else, like California or New Jersey, where he has family?
"It's actually a little exciting," he said. But, "You always worry about the future."
A real crisis?Before "Quarterlife" hit the bookshelves in May 2001, the authors already anticipated the critics.
The ones who would say that the alleged crisis was no crisis at all because people have entered adulthood and endured the growing pains since the beginning of time.
And some of those folks surfaced, Wilner said in a telephone interview from her Maryland office.
"Mostly, they are the older generation who did not experience their 20s the same way as most quarterlifers."
Lim said he's experienced the turbulence of independence.
"But I don't think I would call it a crisis," he said. "Certainly I can attest that it can be a little disconcerting once you graduate. I think it's maybe a fact of life."
But sociologists are beginning to study this life period more and more.
"Today, it takes much longer to make the transition to adulthood," the MacArthur Research Network on Transitions to Adulthood and Public Policy reports.
"Adulthood no longer begins when adolescence ends."
Now, you're grown up at 26, said Wilner, referring to the same research. Twenty-one used to mark this rite of passage.
Robert Baker, a therapist at Fredericksburg's Center for Brief Counseling, says he can see the challenges faced by today's twentysomethings.
As the population grows more educated, young people face greater competition to find that dream job, Baker said. Student loan debt mounts. One income usually doesn't cut it these days, and lots of graduates are moving back home with their parents.
We switch jobs more, we leave home later, we wait longer to marry and start families.
So it really isn't surprising that "Quarterlife" struck a chord among young people everywhere.
Wilner gets e-mails every day from young folks all over the world. They say "thank you," she said. They are relieved to know they aren't alone.
Most response to "Quarterlife" has come from "people like you who thought there was something wrong with them," Wilner said.
The media took note.
"Oprah," "Good Morning America" and "The Today Show" featured the book upon its release. Robbins and Wilner were interviewed on CNN, MSNBC and BBC.
"We didn't make this up," Wilner said. "We just gave it a name."
Getting through itI spent more than a year in crisis. As the days went by and I found myself no closer to internal resolution, I became choked by a startling fear that I would spend the rest of my natural life in a haze of ambiguity.
But I survived. Most of us do. And chances are, if you're a quarterlifer battling the uncertainty of your existence, you, too, will make it. I can say this without hesitation.
How do you find your way out? It helps to know you're not alone. Even a year later and mostly recovered, I am relieved to know this.
At the height of my crisis, I moved several times, mostly because of some bizarre need for a change of scenery. (I lived in four counties within 15 months.) Now I just rearrange the furniture.
I got a more fulfilling job--this one. And time helps. Eventually, you'll figure things out. Or if you don't, you'll at least discover that that's OK, too.
Baker suggests talking to an older friend or family member or even a counselor. Some find deeper meaning and purpose through faith.
Folks are forming quarterlife crisis support groups and commiserating through online message boards.
And here's more good news. By experiencing the quarterlife crisis, we may avoid the midlife crisis of our parents' generation.
"Because we're trying all the options now, exploring now," Wilner says, "when we're finally settled, we won't want to go back and try anything else."
Staff Librarian Craig Schulin contributed research to this story.
ON THE NET: quarterlifecrisis.com
To reach KRISTIN DAVIS: 540/368-5028 kdavis@freelancestar.com