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THE BUZZ in Richmond
Affleck and his pregnant wife, actress Jennifer Garner, are apparently house-hunting in the Charlottesville area, and Affleck is vocal on the national political scene.
Someone took "big-name celebrity," added to it "politically active" and "possible future Virginia resident," and came up with an enticing rumor.
Well, I'm here to tell you it's not going to happen. Not just because Affleck's spokesman reportedly said it's not. And not just because Democrats might be foolish to put up a name that would get Allen even more national press.
No, it's because of me, I'm afraid. I am destined to never see Ben Affleck.
See, last summer I was at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, as was Affleck. He was everywhere, it seemed. The Boston papers reported Ben
From the way it sounded,
Thousands of people saw Ben Affleck. I never did even catch a glimpse.
So, I'm sorry to say, I believe this to be a jinx, and it is my destiny
And where was I, you might ask, while Affleck was bopping around the convention hall? Where was I on the last night, when John Kerry accepted the nomination and Affleck was probably in a plush box seat eating bonbons?
I was outside listening to Kerry's speech as delivered by a hand puppet.
And no, that's not a crack at politicians--it was a real, honest-to-goodness puppet.
This is not my fault either, folks. I'd gone down to the lobby to get some food, and the fire marshal--upset that people, probably people like Affleck--were being given floor passes willy-nilly, shut the doors. No one who was caught downstairs was allowed to go back up. Then we were herded outside.
So inside the culminating moment of the convention--the part with balloons, for heaven's sakes--was going on, and I and a couple of hundred people were locked outside. Armed police wouldn't let us back in. (Although they let Ted Koppel in, but that's a rant for another time.)
However, also locked out was Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. This may not be a familiar name to those of you who don't watch late-night TV talk shows. Triumph is a foul-mouthed hand puppet on "Jimmy Kimmel Live." The guy whose hand operates Triumph had been at the convention all week, sticking the puppet in front of politicians in hopes they'd say something stupid.
Triumph's handlers were locked out with the rest of us,
So they got a copy of Kerry's speech from a reporter, and proceeded to deliver it as the puppet. It was much more entertaining than the real thing going on inside.
So that's one thing Affleck missed out on. He got balloons,
Here in Virginia, we're more likely to make celebrities out of our politicians, rather than make politicians out of celebrities.
Sure, we have the odd celebrity who tries to get into politics.
So did Oliver North, who was more infamous than famous, and who lost an attempt to wrest away this very Senate seat back when Chuck Robb held it, before Robb lost it to Allen.
See, Virginia has brushes with the famous. After all, Robb himself had married a president's daughter. And Virginians still tell stories about the brief years in which U.S. Sen. John Warner was married to Elizabeth Taylor. That was back in the 1970s, and stories still circulate about her choking on a chicken bone at some campaign event.
And we have celebrities nipping at the edges of our politics. Author John Grisham and musician Bruce Hornsby both live in Virginia, and both donate to Democratic candidates on occasion. Hornsby even held a fundraiser for Mark Warner during his 2001 governor's race.
But we don't elect these people. We're not like Minnesota and California, where celebrities can become the governor.
And maybe that's a good thing. Does anyone really want to see the "Sportsmen for Affleck" bumper sticker? Probably not, although I'd love to see what Triumph the Insult Comic Dog could do with that.
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