LEFT: Jake Byrd distributes cigars to fans outside the house of actor Tom Cruise in Beverly Hills on Tuesday after the birth of Cruise's daughter. KEVORK DJANSEZIAN/ASSOCIATED PRESS

ABOVE: Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs talks with his soon-to-be wife Eva Longoria. KEVORK DJANSEZIAN/ASSOCIATED PRESS

- KEVORK DJANSEZIAN/ASSOCIATED PRESS

Gossip World: TomKitten enters, Brangelina makes plans, Jamie spills the beans and Lindsay talks smack

Date published: 4/20/2006

TomKitten enters the world

As much as I hate to do so, I must congratulate Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for giving birth to a real live baby girl.

The littlest Scientology scion, Suri , was born somewhere in Los Angeles: The location was kept under wraps to avoid the prying lenses of the paparazzi.

Baby Suri ("Princess" in Hebrew, "Red Rose" in Persian) shot into this world weighing 7 pounds, 7 ounces, and was measured at 20 inches long.

Though there's been no confirmation, I'm sure her thetan levels were at "acceptable."

In a recent interview, Tom said that the couple would not be holding a baptism or incorporating any of Katie's Catholicism in Suri's upbringing.

Seeing as how Scientologists don't believe in silly concoctions like vaccines, it can be assumed that the Cruises will be curing Suri's childhood diseases with vitamins and baby exercise.

Let's all hope purgatory is one of those made-up places used to scare children, like the haunted forest or New Jersey.

Though baby Suri will be inheriting a religious legacy, she'll never snag the coveted "Sexiest Baby Alive" title that will surely be granted to the Jolie-Pitt fetus that is preparing for its debut.

These days it seems like celebrity parents are trying to find new ways to display how their babes are so much better than yours.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin bestow crazy baby names, Tom and Katie labored in total silence, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will fly all the way to southern Africa just so their baby can wave a green card and innocently shrug its shoulders whenever our president embarrasses America.

Brad and Angelina have allegedly narrowed the hot spot to Namibia and are rumored to be giving the child a traditional Namibian name. I wonder if there's a traditional Namibian name that means "pretentious."

With friends like Jamie Foxx , who needs the National Enquirer?

Reportedly, the Oscar-winner let it slip on the Ellen DeGeneres talk show that Eva Longoria and her NBA beau, Tony Parker , are engaged.

Jamie made the comment, "I know her boyfriend and soon-to-be husband," believing that the news had already been made public; fortunately for gossip columnists everywhere, it hadn't.

Date published: 4/20/2006