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DiSHiNG iT celeb news and notes from Bassey Etim-Edet

April 20, 2006 12:50 am

TomKitten enters the world

As much as I hate to do so, I must congratulate Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes for giving birth to a real live baby girl.

The littlest Scientology scion, Suri , was born somewhere in Los Angeles: The location was kept under wraps to avoid the prying lenses of the paparazzi.

Baby Suri ("Princess" in Hebrew, "Red Rose" in Persian) shot into this world weighing 7 pounds, 7 ounces, and was measured at 20 inches long.

Though there's been no confirmation, I'm sure her thetan levels were at "acceptable."

In a recent interview, Tom said that the couple would not be holding a baptism or incorporating any of Katie's Catholicism in Suri's upbringing.

Seeing as how Scientologists don't believe in silly concoctions like vaccines, it can be assumed that the Cruises will be curing Suri's childhood diseases with vitamins and baby exercise.

Let's all hope purgatory is one of those made-up places used to scare children, like the haunted forest or New Jersey.

Though baby Suri will be inheriting a religious legacy, she'll never snag the coveted "Sexiest Baby Alive" title that will surely be granted to the Jolie-Pitt fetus that is preparing for its debut.

These days it seems like celebrity parents are trying to find new ways to display how their babes are so much better than yours.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin bestow crazy baby names, Tom and Katie labored in total silence, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will fly all the way to southern Africa just so their baby can wave a green card and innocently shrug its shoulders whenever our president embarrasses America.

Brad and Angelina have allegedly narrowed the hot spot to Namibia and are rumored to be giving the child a traditional Namibian name. I wonder if there's a traditional Namibian name that means "pretentious."

With friends like Jamie Foxx , who needs the National Enquirer?

Reportedly, the Oscar-winner let it slip on the Ellen DeGeneres talk show that Eva Longoria and her NBA beau, Tony Parker , are engaged.

Jamie made the comment, "I know her boyfriend and soon-to-be husband," believing that the news had already been made public; fortunately for gossip columnists everywhere, it hadn't.

I'm sure all their family and friends knew beforehand, but wouldn't it be comical if millions of thirtysomething housewives across the Midwest found out about the engagement before their parents did?

Take a cue from celebrities: Whenever you're feeling morally bankrupt and need to be absolved, tie a red string around your wrist and--voila !--all is forgiven.

Supposedly, Lindsay Lohan plans to convert to Kabbalah to help clean up her image and prove to the world that there's more to her than partying and canoodling with out-of-work actors.

But before one can truly convert, it's probably recommended that one purge all the emotional baggage one carries.

This could possibly explain the lil' rumor swimming around that LL totally confronted Jessica Simpson last week at a restaurant.

Apparently, LL sent a round of drinks over to JS' table, and after several moments passed without a thank-you, LL made her way over to Jess and gave the divorcee a tongue-lashing so severe that she cried:

"What's the matter? When your sister is around, you can talk [trash] about me, but now that Ashlee's not here, what are you going to do? C'mon! I'm 19, and you're 25. Say something, you coward!"

Jessica begged her to not cause a scene, at which point LL challenged her to take it outside.

Jessica then started crying while everyone in the restaurant pointed and laughed (well, at least in my dreams they did). Ahhh, it's like junior year of high school all over again.

--Compiled from gossip sources

BASSEY ETIM-EDET is a student at George Mason University.