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Make time to baby your marriage, too

Swap that kids-first approach for a marriage-first mind-set; your children will thank you for it

Date published: 8/22/2006

By KIM BAER

A FEW WEEKS ago, my husband and I took a day off together.

We went out to breakfast together, took in a movie and relaxed.

It was long overdue.

Between the demands of work and raising two young children, we'd put "couple time" on the back burner. Believe me, it was starting to show.

Parents should rethink this "kids first" approach, family counselors say.

Marcia Grimsley is a professional life coach who lives in Spotsylvania County. She often sees overwhelmed parents struggling to do it all for their kids, and putting themselves last.

Children feel more safe and secure when their parents put their marriage first. When your children see that you have a great marriage, they can grow up and leave without guilt.

Think of it this way: you are modeling a marriage for your children. They'll learn what to expect from a partnership from you.

"If they see that this marriage has good boundaries, is fed and honored, then they learn how to do that for themselves when they get out in the world," Grimsley said.

Thinking about marriage this way can assuage some of the guilt parents might feel about putting themselves first.

So how do we build this strong, happy marriage?

For parents with young children, the best way to do this is a date night, Grimsley said. These nights create intimacy, which is essential for a healthy marriage.

Here are some tips from Grimsley to make date night special:

Set aside one night a week, every week. Mark it on the calendar and stick to it.

Each partner should take turns planning the night.

At the end of the night, don't separate like an old married couple. Stay together.

Each partner should share a story he or she has never told the other. It can be funny or sad, just something new. The listener shouldn't judge the story, only provide appropriate positive responses. This exercise builds intimacy.

Don't talk about the children or work.

But what if you can't afford to pay a baby sitter or don't feel comfortable leaving the children at night?

There are other options for building intimacy, said Terry Diebold, a licensed marriage and family therapist with the Center for Family Counseling in Fredericksburg.

She counsels couples to set aside at least three times a week to talk. It can be during a walk or a drink out on the deck. Just talk.

"Sometimes, that's all they need to do to reconnect," she said.

Here are some more ideas from Ann Ahearn, a licensed clinical social worker with Aquia Counseling in Stafford County.

Put the children to bed and have supper, or dessert, just the two of you.

Instead of turning on the TV when the kids go to bed, take an hour to talk.

Take walks.

Trade baby-sitting with other families in similar circumstances.

To reach KIM BAER:540/368-5028
Email: kbaer@freelancestar.com

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Date published: 8/22/2006