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What's your style, parents? Date published: 9/5/2006 By KIM BAER A RE YOU an attachment par- Has your baby been "Ferberized"? Should you use the "1, 2, 3 Magic" approach to discipline or the "Screamfree" one? Finding parents who subscribe fully to one parenting approach is rare. That's OK, said Holly Schiffrin, a psychology professor at the University of Mary Washington and parent coach. Parents should look at child development research and apply it to their family in a way that makes sense for them, she said. "There's no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting," she said. That said, researchers have found that most parents naturally fall into one of four styles: authoritarian, permissive, neglectful, and authoritative,. Authoritarian parents have high maturity demands and control, but aren't very nurturing or communicative. Their children may show lower achievement, self-esteem and social competence. They may either be subdued or aggressive. Permissive parents are nurturing, but aren't communicative and have low maturity demands and control. Their children show slightly lower achievement and may be immature and less independent. Neglectful parents score low on all those characteristics. Children of these parents are more likely to be low achievers, have low self-esteem and to be impulsive and anti-social. Parents should strive for an authoritative style, Schiffrin said. Researchers have found that children of these parents are typically higher achieving, have higher self-esteem, are more independent and more socially competent, she said. Authoritative parents: Give unconditional love. These parents give genuine Set appropriate expectations. Authoritative parents educate themselves on what they can realistically expect from their children. For example, many parents might think a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum is overtly defying the parent. However, 2-year-olds aren't really capable of thinking that way, Schiffrin said. Authoritative parents are consistent. These parents enforce the rules. These parents also communicate well. They talk to their children and listen to them. If the children are old enough, the parents let them help develop some of the house rules. In her job as a parenting coach, Schiffrin often works with parents who tell her they are overwhelmed. She advises them to focus on what's working. Parents will often say things like "my child won't listen to me," Schiffrin said. She suggests parents think about situations where the child does listen, and try to figure out why. Are they more motivated to listen in this case? Are you firmer and more consistent in this area? Try to take what's working and apply it to situations where you're having trouble. But don't put too much pressure on yourself to be the perfect parent. "It would be nice if we all gave ourselves a break," she said. To reach KIM BAER:
1. Be respectful. No personal attacks.
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