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for future reference The staff of it! offers predictions for the coming year

January 4, 2007 12:50 am

While packing up the office Festivus decorations recently, the it! team made a shocking discovery. Out from beneath a pile of old CDs and pizza boxes rolled a crystal ball. Naturally, we had our staffers gaze into it and describe what they saw in store for 2007:

Sports

Cheers and beer bottles clicking will be heard throughout the land when NASCAR is finally accepted as a sport. This will cause outrage and a new system of dividing sports into different categories. Nevertheless, 2007 will be a great year for breweries and people who drive in a circle for a living.

Barry Bonds will break Hank Aaron 's home-run record and then immediately retire, telling teammates, "You've seen the last of my a**." Unless, of course, he needs help with a needle.

The Redskins will make a comeback and get into the playoffs next year.

Terrell Owens will do something stupid. Again.

Ongoing protest about biases and other problems in the Bowl Championship Series will finally lead to what the NCAA has avoided for many years--a playoff. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, college football will finally have some legitimacy.

Ohio State will win both the football and basketball NCAA championships.

It! will have a sports page added to its weekly publication.

Celebrities and entertainment

Ryan Seacrest's career as "American Idol" host will end after an on-air brawl with Simon Cowell.

Bob Saget will enter the public eye once again and host a reality TV show that will own "Deal or No Deal."

People will finally realize that the "Desperate Housewives" aren't really desperate, but it's actually only the writers and producers who are desperate to think of more stupid and unrealistic problems for them to go through.

Rocky's son will step into the ring for the start of 12 years' worth of "Rocky Jr." movies.

Jack Black will finally hit it big and will prove himself as a serious actor. He will win an Oscar for his portrayal of a dynamic English teacher, à la "Dead Poets Society."

"Jackass" star Steve-O will decide to jump out of a plane without a parachute, naked and doing kick-flips in midair on his skateboard, before he lands in the water, gets hypothermia and dies.

K-Fed will be sued for crimes against humanity after neglecting to mention the mental side effects that result from listening to his new CD. He will be banned from making music forever and move on to acting in Lifetime original movies.

In a fit of joy over giving new condos to all the people in her audience, Oprah will work herself into an epileptic seizure, at which point her gears will begin to spark and it will finally be discovered that she is, indeed, a robot.

Tara Reid will finally see all the pictures of her circulating on the Net and cover her stomach forever. Amen.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will plan a road trip from Los Angeles to Australia, driving the whole way.

Paris Hilton and Lil Jon will end up together, united by their love of crunk and booze, as well as their monosyllabic vocabularies. The two will have a bling-laden marriage ceremony in an upscale venue, with Joan and Melissa Rivers providing coverage and wardrobe criticism. When asked by the minister if he takes Miss Hilton to be his lawfully wedded wife, Mr. Jon will predictably respond with a loud "Yeah!"

Madonna will adopt a few more African babies, marry Lance Armstrong (who is not gay) and start a reality show called "Super Mom." She'll then release six more dance tracks that will just go to show that she's a washed-up nobody.

Culture and trends

By the end of 2007, Sony's PS3 will have angered enough people to let Nintendo's Wii take the massive title of reigning champion in the battle of next-generation consoles. 360 whaaaat?

A fingernail-size iPod will be invented.

Yankee Candle Co. will come out with a new "burger" scented candle .

Baklava will be declared the official food of the world.

"Grunge" fashion will make an epic comeback onto the runway. Say goodbye to '80s leggings--the flannel is back ! Emo bands like Panic! at the Disco will attempt to use this to their full advantage, ditching the high-pitched screaming for deeper vocals and proclaiming their undying love for The Melvins and Kurt Cobain .

Dave Grohl will collaborate with Willie Nelson and start a new brand of rock 'n' roll, complete with banjos and good ol'-fashioned Nirvana-esque drumming. The sad thing is, it'll be really cool.

New releases by heavy-metal giants Opeth and Meshuggah will finally convince the world, once and for all, that heavy bands do not need breakdowns to sound good. As a result, nine-tenths of the world's hard-core bands will lighten up, get new singers and change their style. This will ultimately lead to an emo resurgence and yet more popularity for Dashboard Confessional .

Politics and current events

Through fantastic diplomatic measures, President Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will forge several treaties that bring lasting peace to the Middle East . In related news, the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot are married in London.

Months after the death of Saddam Hussein, Iraqis will be divided among themselves. Iraq will have to be split into East Iraq and West Iraq, one siding with American troops and democracy, and the other with Saddam loyalists and extremists.

Ralph Nader will realize he will never win the presidency and he'll retire to Florida.

George W. Bush will pick a member of his party to be his successor. However, this successor will speak clearly, not have any previous family history in politics nor have a last name which is easy to make fun of. Instantly, bumper sticker sales will plummet.

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart of Comedy Central will announce that they are seeking the Democratic party's nomination for the 2008 presidential elections. Republicans around the nation will cower in fear.

The 110th United States Congress will convene in Washington for a 2007 year, which will likely include, alas, more petty, partisan bickering. This endless squabbling will be rendered moot, however, when the new five-day (up from three-day) Congressional work week pushes several lawmakers to insanity and causes Nancy Pelosi to claw Dennis Hastert's eyes out.

As Democrats take control of the legislative branch promising sweeping reforms, President Bush will miraculously discover something that has laid virtually dormant for the past six years: his veto pen .

Zombies will invade Fredericksburg. The area's large population of arms-bearers will unite and cut through the undead like a scythe. A picture taken by a local photographer of a skirmish between locals and an undead horde will go on to garner awards from all corners of the globe.

The global "Roll-Over-in-Your-Grave" movement initiated by the dead will create enough force to move the Earth 1 inch to the left.

Following the rash of 50-plus-degree days in Fredericksburg over the past few months, the first snowless winter in recent memory is grudgingly predicted by local weathermen.

The Coca-Cola polar bears will all die in captivity after their quaint little slippery ice floe melts due to global warming.

Australia will collapse inward, leaving a giant counterclockwise-moving toilet bowl that will inevitably swallow the rest of Southeast Asia.

Amid bird flu fears, the Food and Drug Administration will crack down on Asian food imports. Guidelines will be set up and only meat products will be allowed. The result: no more meowing chickens .

The building bubble in the Fredericksburg area will burst, as people convert to shopping exclusively online . Our area will be littered with the half-finished hulks of department and electronics stores that never were. Eventually, these structures will serve a purpose by being made into low-income housing.

--By Katie Arquiette, Jake Brooks, Matt Cameron, Carrington Clodius, Meghan Herbst, Erin Johnson, Sarah Keith, Matt Kelly, Sam Krieg, Owen Puffenberger, Lea Sanford and Cesar Zurita