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>> DISHING IT: CELEB NEWS AND NOTES FROM BASSEY ETIM-EDET

February 22, 2007 12:35 am

BRITNEY'S REHAB RECAP

Last week, Britney Spears checked herself into rehab. One day later she checked herself out, went to a salon and shaved off her own hair. Then she got some tattoos on her lips. For the rest of the week she was spotted in a cheap, dollar-store blonde wig. Now, according to Perezhilton.com, she's back in rehab.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what crazy looks like.

OK! magazine claims that it was a fight between Britney and Kevin that lead to her breakdown. "They had a huge argument," says the mag. "Kevin threatened Britney that he was going to have people test her hair to find out exactly what she's been up to. She was so scared. That was what made her shave her head."

First of all Britney, your hair was so over-processed there's no way anyone could use it for drug testing.

Second, how many drugs were you doing in the first place if you feel the need to shave off your hair?

Third, the original rehab center you went to must be the worst rehab center in the world--you shouldn't have been able to just walk out. Back in my day, you would have been tranqued, then chained to a radiator in the bathroom while you detox in a corner by yourself. If you didn't asphyxiate on your own vomit then it meant you showed signs of promise for a recovery. These places are getting soft!

You know, there's nothing like a good public stoning, especially involving celebrities. But, since no one wants to go to jail for hurling rocks at rich people, it appears that mass booing has taken its place.

Enter Jennifer Lopez : proudly stumping for her film "Bordertown" at the Berlin Film Festival.

Exit Jennifer Lopez: visibly upset and nearly in tears as the audience boos her at the end of the movie. Oh, if only I could have been there to taste those delicious tears.

There, there, stop crying. I'm sure there's a sequel for "Maid in Manhattan" in the works right now. You and the old team can get together and continue making that movie magic. Leave the good acting to Meryl Streep .

HOPE FOR DANNIELYNN

Anna Nicole is dead, which means we all get to go through her personal things and read stuff she never intended for us to see.

According to The Superficial, the contents of Anna's will have been leaked, and she allegedly left everything to her dead son, Daniel .

The will was last updated in 2001. In it, she explicitly states that she does not intend to provide for her spouse or any future children. So, baby Dannielynn gets nothing and will remain an orphan now that her 13 or so potential fathers know there won't be a payday.

Also released were some legal documents, including a few sworn affidavits of accusations by the nanny, Alexis. Alexis claims she was ordered to underfeed the baby because Anna wanted the baby to be "sexy," so Dannielynn was badly underweight. Anna also threatened to shoot the nanny if the baby ever called her "mommy," and she attempted suicide on two separate occasions.

You can't blame her for not liking fat babies. They're so heavy and make your arms tired. I wouldn't be surprised if Anna was crushing TrimSpa pills into her baby food.

Also according to The Superficial, and most media outlets, actress Bridget Moynahan is three months pregnant with some guy named Tom Brady 's baby. I think he plays football or checkers or something--I don't follow sports.

Now, hold your applause. Tom is currently seeing super-model Giselle Bündchen .

(Side note: Giselle had to gain 14 pounds to weigh in for the D&G catwalk in Milan, as is the law now--Kate Moss will never work again.)

Tom's friends are a little suspicious of Bridget--let's just say she became a bit "clingy" during the last stages of their breakup.

Bridget's friends think Tom is a deadbeat, hinting to the press that he broke up their three-year romance around the time he found out she was pregnant.

Regardless, Giselle has looked nothing less than fabulous throughout her boyfriend's paternity spat. It's like she training for the role of hot wicked stepmother or something.

Kelly Osbourne dramatically revealed that she has a male family member who is HIV positive, reports Web site actressarchives.com

Now people, HIV/AIDS isn't funny, but Kelly's attempt to appear relevant is hilarious.

First of all, way to draw attention to your family and, subsequently, the specific member with the virus--like he isn't under enough stress.

Second, way to be so vague about it. This person could be a second or third cousin or an adopted son of some distant relative. And if it is an immediate relative then that just leaves her brother Jack , her half-brother, Louie , and papa, Ozzy . It's like playing Clue.

Bassey Etim-Edet is a student at George Mason University.