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After a bad MTV appearance, Paris gets a three-week break.
Vanessa Minnillo isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. |
PARIS SURRENDERS
This year's MTV Movie Awards was probably one of the best ever, if only for the big- screen shots of Paris Hilton fighting back tears as the entire stadium boos her and Sarah Silverman rips her apart.
Seriously, I replayed that portion at least 17 times on my DVR. Sweet, refreshing schadenfreude.
I'm sure you're all aware by now that Paris started her 23-day sentence early by checking into prison Sunday evening after the awards show. Here's some advice I picked up from my stay in County last week (apparently brandishing a weapon while asking a bank teller if you can borrow some money is illegal--fascists!):
Make friends with the largest inmate you can find. Bonus points if her name starts with "Big" as in "Big Betty."
Find the weakest fish and bite her near her liver, then calmly ask for some fava beans and glass of Chianti.
Keep your head down and just imagine that you're in rehab with all your friends. Only, you'll be doing group showers while they're doing group sharing.
BUSTIN' TIMBERLAKENo one would ever accuse Justin Timberlake of being a man's man--or any man at all. (Reference his episode on "Punk'd." Cry much, Justin?) So it comes as no surprise that he recently got himself into the losing end of a hotel brawl while touring in Europe.
ABC Eyewitness News online reports that JT and his fling du jour, Jessica Biel, were at a hotel bar in Manchester, England. Justin left Jess to retrieve something from their room, and while upstairs in the hallway, he was accosted by an unknown gentleman. This riffraff began hurling abuse at JT, and the two got into a row.
The incident ended with the man chucking a Coke bottle at Justin's face, and several reports state witnesses at the bar observed Justin returning to Jessica with a cut above his eye. (I'm assuming it was a glass bottle.) No word if charges were pressed against the assailant or if he was given a national medal of honor.
MINNILLO MELTDOWNI know that after a long, hard day working for the man I like to invite my girlfriends over, break out the Ginsu knives and take pictures as we pose provocatively--right, ladies?
No, you say? Well, you obviously didn't go to vacation Bible school in the summers like Vanessa Minnillo and I did.
Pictures of a knife-wielding Lindsay Lohan and a mysterious, unknown female posing together and pulling down each other's shirts recently surfaced on the Internet. I didn't report it, and the collective media didn't bat an eye because it was Lindsay Lohan and, hence, the pics were so very unsurprising. Funny, though, as I looked at the unknown female I remembered thinking, "She looks like Vanessa Minnillo."
I reasoned myself out of it, believing that Nick Lachey's lady--and former MTV VJ--would never be into such a thing. Oh, silly me. (Seven years of gossiping ain't taught me nothin'!)
Perezhilton.com and several other sources confirm that it is Vanessa's pretty neck that Lindsay is holding the serrated knife to. Friends say that Vanessa is ashamed and that the pics were taken at a very low point in her life (What, like last week? Every moment of her life is a low point.)
Regardless, Nessa's reps are scrambling to do damage control, which will undoubtedly bring about entertaining press releases. Let's see how they spin this one!
ROCK-Y RELATIONSHIPSIt seems like this week everyone is splitting up.
According to a local radio station, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have called it quits.
We'll have to stick around to see if Larry David's still as funny after divorcing his wife of 14 years, Laurie.
And The Rock (aka Dwayne Johnson) also has filed for divorce from his starter wife of 10 years, Dany.
I wish these guys good luck. They gave it their best shot, yada yada yada--back to vapid Hollywood breakups and make-ups next week.
Bassey Etim-Edet is a student at George Mason University.
