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Tony Parker and Eva Longoria hit the jackpot on an exclusive deal for their wedding photos.
Cameron Diaz recently went from playing an ogre to 'Ugly American' on a trip to Peru. |
THE LIBERATION OF PARIS
OK, so Paris Hilton is out of jail. Remarkably, I'm ambivalent.
The gossip media seem eerily quiet; it's hard to muster up tasty fodder when a celebrity is released from prison. It's almost as if everyone can sense the beginning of the end, and, all of a sudden, Britney Spears exposing herself for the gazillionth time is interesting again.
Columnists are struggling to remember whom they used to write about before Paris and her crew showed up and roofied our hearts. We're all hoping she doesn't use her recent experience to do anything foolish, like start a charity or find religion.
Instead, we're collectively crossing our fingers that she will start a fashion line inspired by her prison stay. Perhaps she can call it "Jailbird" or something equally cheeky. Doesn't that sound better than de-worming orphans in some Third World country?
The world is full of Angelina Jolies who bring name recognition to serious global issues. What America really needs is a tall, blond heiress with a slightly lazy eye to guzzle champagne and hop behind the wheel of her 2008 Mercedes or accidentally-on-purpose make out with her BFF-du-jour's boyfriend, father or AA sponsor. These are the kind of mind-numbing scandals that allow us to escape our mundane lives and stop focusing on our own families, politics, wars and social injustices.
Seriously, Paris, the world needs you.
SOMETHING ABOUT MAO
However, someone the world--specifically the people of Peru--can do without is Cameron Diaz.
In another example of why celebrities should stay out of political issues and focus on their craft, C.D. was able to offend the entire country of Peru by a sporting a simple fashion accessory.
People.com reports that while Cameron was exploring Machu Picchu, she carried a cute little green messenger bag with a red star and some Chinese wording that translated as "serve the people." Harmless enough, right? If you're in China!
Apparently Cam's tour guide forgot to inform her that the slogan would remind Peruvians of a Maoist insurgency in the 1980s and '90s that left almost 70,000 people dead. Way to go, Cameron! That's almost like wearing an "I heart Christopher Columbus" T-shirt to an Indian reservation.
Of course, she apologized for the gaffe. But I still don't think that should stop us from throwing rocks at her. The only way to heal the hurt is through a good old-fashioned public stoning.
LUCKY LONGORIAYou can't put a price tag on love--or can you? If you're Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, pictures of your love will cost a magazine $2 million.
What magazine is deranged enough to bid up such a price? OK! magazine has the exclusive rights to snap photos of the A-minus-list actress and her B-plus-list basketball player/fiance.
A few ways the money could have been better spent include putting it in a metal trash can and lighting it on fire, or eating it.
The nuptials will take place in France on July 7--7/7/7, get it? Because a lasting marriage is about luck--not hard work, commitment or love. It's all about numerology and great hair.
LOHAN ON THE WAGONSo Lindsay Lohan is actually trying her darnedest to get sober. According to Perez Hilton.com, she has extended her stay in rehab and cancelled her 21st-birthday party at Pure. She's really trying to be a decent human being.
What does this have to do with you? Next time you see her roller-blading on the boardwalk (which apparently is a designated rehabilitation technique), try not to offer her any shooters or crack. A sober Lohan is a safer Lohan, which means drug dealers and hookers can walk the streets without fear of being struck by her vehicle.
Bassey Etim-Edet is a student at George Mason University.
