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In court, the author mooves into the field of instant 'expert witness' on cows. |
IHAVE ALWAYS said that if you want some cheap entertainment, just spend a day in your local court.
All you have to do is sit through a few cases to learn just how imaginative some people are. The world's best writer couldn't make up some of the stories I have heard told on the witness stand.
I recall one case where a guy walked barefooted into
I suppose he figured no one would pay any attention to a man walking out in shoes, but what he failed to take into consideration was that almost everyone took notice of his bare feet when he walked in.
Then there was the guy who stole a farmer's wagon, then got scared and decided to destroy the evidence. He stripped the boards from the bed, then took a hacksaw and cut the metal frame into small pieces.
LYING AS AN ART FORM
When covering court I am continually amazed at how people lie without hesitation on the witness stand. The lies are obvious, often outlandish, and everybody, including the judge, knows that the witness is telling
Still, these people just keep making up tales as if someone out there actually believes what they are saying.
Personal injury cases are the best.
"Yes, judge, I know I was
A neck brace, of course, comes with this testimony.
I sat through one such case some 25 years ago, and it seemed as if every person the plaintiff knew--including members of his family--testified that his neck injury had made him difficult to live with in the weeks and months after the crash.
After the trial a man who knew the injured party just shook his head.
"He was as mean as a snake before he was in that accident," the guy said.
It is interesting to watch a lawyer who knows his client is as guilty as sin try to get the guy off. I have seen some preposterous defenses in my time, but I guess those attorneys have to do something to earn their money.
I have often wondered how judges can sit straight-faced at some of the lies and outlandish testimony that occurs during some trials. Sometimes when I am sitting in the gallery it is all I can do to keep from bursting into laughter.
Maybe judges pinch themselves behind the bench to preserve the dignity of the court.
The best cases are those where almost everybody involved is lying, where every witness tries to top the testimony of the others. Sometimes I walk out of court not believing anybody. I can only imagine how a judge, who must render
I have learned that you can never predict how a jury will digest even the most blatantly untruthful testimony.
I have covered trials where testimony was so bizarre that I was certain that no reasonably intelligent person would believe it. Often, however--much to my amazement--the jury did.
That's why lawyers--especially defense attorneys--don't select those they believe to be the smartest people from the jury pool. Mostly they want only "reasonably intelligent" people, so don't be flattered if you get selected (I always seem
Spend a day in court and you will find out what crazy lives many people live. You'll likely walk out wondering how people get themselves into such unbelievable
Many people just seem to thrive on misery, and you can be pretty certain that whatever happens in court they are going right back
And you can almost predict which ones you will see standing in front of a judge again.
'EXPERT WITNESS'
I can't close this column without telling my favorite court story.
While driving down the highway one day I came upon an accident where an oil truck had overturned because, the driver contended, he had tried to avoid some cows in the road.
Being a newspaperman,
The lawyer for the truck driver, an attorney named Jack Fray, called and said he would like to use the photo for evidence and wanted to know if I would appear in court to authenticate it.
Well, my old buddy Jack called me to the stand, and after I was sworn in he began questioning me not about the picture but about the condition of the fence along the highway where the cows had gotten out.
The other attorney objected, whereupon Fray told the judge that he had called me to the stand as an expert witness on cows.
Before I could laugh out loud the judge, who knew I lived in the country, allowed Fray's request and, for the next 30 minutes I was, at least as far as the court was concerned, an expert witness on cows.
To this day when someone is introduced as "an expert witness" I just remember Jack Fray and laugh to myself.
There is no place better than a courtroom for cheap entertainment.
Donnie Johnston is a staff writer
