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Jamie Lynn Spears |
BY MATT CAMERON
It's a rare occasion that you'll find me home watching television on a beautiful Friday evening. But this past week I remained in my lair, away from the First Friday festivities and assorted social happenings that would usually be irresistible.
The reason for my seclusion was not what you might expect--I was not working on a research paper or studying for the SAT exam I had the next morning. Instead, I was tuned in to "Chasing Zoey," the made-for-TV movie that was likely to be the final installment of Nickelodeon's flagship series "Zoey 101."
Now, I have never watched "Zoey 101" before--probably because it seems to represent everything that I despise about modern-day television. It is a ridiculous tween drama about a bunch of gorgeously tanned, hopelessly contrived teenagers at a well-to-do California prep school, Pacific Coast Academy--a school that every child on the planet has dreamed of attending. The show centers around Zoey and Chase, two teens who mutually agree to participate in the love version of hide-and-seek, as both are too stupid to admit their love for each other. Most of the show's conflicts, it appears from the commercials, revolve around relationships such as these, which is not entirely surprising since kids attending a hip prep school in Cali really don't have much else to worry about.
If you think I am insane for abandoning Friday night sociality for this sort of mindless entertainment, I don't blame you. But with "Chasing Zoey" airing as the abrupt conclusion to this beloved franchise, I felt it was my patriotic duty as an American youth to give Zoey a rousing sendoff, even if I had never much cared for her before.
In case you are unfamiliar with the circumstances surrounding the show's star, Jamie Lynn Spears, I will spare you the details--you are obviously living a much happier life than I ever will. (See opposite page for details--ed.) But as much as I loathe this pathetic excuse for an entertainer, I recognize the fact that her show has become an integral part of the lives of millions of American kids who will soon be heading off to middle and high school--while desperately emulating the performances that Spears and the gang have put on for three years.
The show doesn't waste any time in reminding me why I hate modern-day television so much. The opening scene involves PCA's version of "The Deer Hunter." A small group of students sit around a table playing "shock roulette." The psychological damage this game has done to the students is evident, as their conversational skills have become severely retarded.
In the next scene, I am introduced to Logan and Quinn, a surfer guy and nerdy girl, who act as though they hate each other but are secretly dating. In reality, these two students would be diagnosed with split-personality disorder. But on "Zoey 101," they are merely another cute couple. Before the first break, I also get to spy on Zoey and James, her new beau, who, I am amazed to find, are the only two genuine characters on the show.
The ensuing commercial interlude is the most exciting part yet, when it features a preview for the upcoming Indiana Jones movie--but I digress. As the show goes forward, I continue to be bamboozled by the incredibly bizarre nature of everything that goes on at PCA.
After 40 minutes of watching teenage girls discuss prom and observing a kid named Michael learn to drive a stick shift, I am slightly bewildered by the fact that Chase has yet to make an appearance. "How can they possibly tie up all these loose ends in 20 minutes?" I think to myself with alarm.
Zoey's little brother, Dustin, tries to calm my nerves: "When I was in fourth grade, I figured out I could make noises that sound like animals when they're underwater," he says innocently.
The marvel of the modern-day American teenager, however, is that he or she can solve three years' worth of conflicts in less than 20 minutes. As I watch every major conflict get wrapped up--Chase shows up on campus and kisses Zoey; Quinn and Logan finally admit their love for each other in front of everyone; and the weird girl, Stacey, gets hit by a car and has her speech impediment magically cured--it occurs to me that we should really ship some of these PCA kids over to Iraq or Israel to solve some of the issues there.
Perhaps the conclusion that the show comes to, that innocence and love win out in the end, is naive--particularly in light of the situation that the show's main star has gotten herself into. But I can't argue with the fact that "Zoey 101" ultimately helps today's youngsters, not only to be able to make underwater animal sounds, but also to look on the bright side of life.
Matt Cameron is a junior
