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Annaliese Sutton, 6, (with mom Cheryl Sutton) uses art as therapy. Her father, Randy, died of esophageal cancer in September.
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Cheryl Sutton gives youngest daughter Annica, 2, a hug |
By KIM BAER
Cheryl Sutton's husband, Randy, died of esophageal cancer in September.
The 42-year-old Spotsylvania County resident and mother of two said she knows friends and acquaintances are trying to help when they tell her how well she seems to be handling it.
Still, she sometimes can't help but think: "What do you expect? I'll be curled up in the fetal position at the bus stop?"
Diane Ebenal was widowed five years ago at age 38.
In the days and months after her husband Doug's death at 47, the Fredericksburg woman heard kind words from friends and family.
But the mother of four also dealt with well-intentioned but insensitive advice, she said, such as "you're young, you're pretty, you'll remarry."
Both women have found help with their grief--and understanding from those who've been there--through local and online support groups.
A UNIQUE GROUP
It's particularly important for young widows and widowers to seek each other out, bereavement coordinators say.
Unlike older widows and widowers, the young and bereaved are unlikely to find others in their social groups who have faced similar losses.
Less than 7 percent of widows are men and women between the ages of 20 and 49, according to 2000 U.S. Census figures on ywbb.org, a Web site for young widows and widowers.
Like losing a child, losing a spouse young can be devastating because it's out of the natural order of things, said Gloria Lloyd, bereavement coordinator for Mary Washington Hospice.
"The younger ones have lost their future, all their hopes and dreams," Lloyd said. "It can feel almost too big to handle."
While working through their own grief, they are also often helping grieving children, juggling full-time work and losing friendships.
Older widows and widowers will often talk about how hard it is to adjust to an empty home. But widows and widowers with young children find just the opposite.
"I never had five minutes to myself as a young widow," Ebenal said.
YOUNG AND BEREAVED
Support groups specifically for young widows and widowers have been started across the country to help meet their unique needs.
While there are no groups just for them in the Fredericksburg area, widows and widowers of any age can find free support from the region's two hospice organizations.
These organizations offer support groups and private counseling options for the bereaved.
In Virginia, support groups specifically for the young and bereaved are available only in Hampton Roads and Richmond, according to Cynthia Gossman, director of the Hampton Roads group.
Gossman started the group, Young Widows Or Widowers--ywow.org--about eight years ago.
After she was widowed at 30, she looked into a widows group sponsored by AARP, but found most in the group were older.
The mother of three young children also tried Parents Without Partners, but found most members were single parents by choice or after divorce who were looking for social outlets and dates.
She started the support group with a post on wid ownet.org seeking young widows and widowers in the Tidewater area.
Eleven people who ranged from their 20s to their 50s attended the first gathering.
Her group now has about 100 members and has helped about 3,000, she estimated.
UNIQUE CHALLENGES
Life as a suddenly single parent has been a challenge for Sutton, whose husband died when their younger daughter was only 15 months old.
She finds it hard to even squeeze in a shower on weekends, much less go out running as she used to.
Friends will tell her to call whenever she needs help. But she most often needs help at bedtime, and she can't really call on friends to help out then.
Mostly, she's making it on her own. That means figuring out which light bulb fits the porch light, taking over bill paying and doing all the other chores that partners typically divide.
She's grieving for her husband, too.
Randy Sutton died a couple of hours after midnight on their eighth anniversary. He was 53.
He was happy in his second marriage, she said, and had a steady job as a chemist with the USDA after years of contract work.
Family meant a lot to him, she said, and she hates that he doesn't get to see their two girls grow up.
She misses eating dinner with him. Her girls don't
She misses his sense of humor. They used to watch movies after the children had gone to bed. They shared the same sense of humor and enjoyed movies such as "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels."
"That's gone," she said.
Ebenal recalled taking on jobs she'd never expected to handle, such as teaching her three sons to drive.
She also grieved for the loss of a future with her husband. She and Doug had planned to get motorcycles after he retired.
"I don't see that happening," she said.
She also recalled sadness taking her by surprise at times.
She remembers suddenly crying in the parking lot at her oldest son's high school graduation.
It was about a year after her husband had died. It was raining that night, and other husbands were dropping their families off at the main doors, then going to park.
"I knew Doug would have done that for us," she thought then.
finances and children
Young widows and widowers who don't have careers or whose spouses didn't have life insurance can also face poverty.
Ebenal and Sutton haven't had financial struggles. But they've had their share of hard times.
Both said watching their children grieve has been the hardest.
"I would have done any thing to have taken that away from them," Ebenal said.
Sutton said she has had conversations she hadn't imagined having, such as how to describe heaven so that her 2-year-old and 6-year-old daughters don't think it's a place they can go and see their dad.
Both have found help for their children through Fredericksburg-based Hospice Support Care's youth programs.
STARTING OVER
Young widows often find that married friends avoid them, said Sharron Simpson, bereavement program coordinator for Hospice Support Care.
"It's like they think it could happen to them," Simpson said.
Young widows and widowers often find it hard to start new friendships, too.
Ebenal recalled how the faces of those she'd just met would fall when she told them she was widowed.
"It's like you just have this big sign that says 'feel sorry for me,'" she said.
Attending a weekly support group through Mary Washington Hospice helped her cope.
"Support group rooms are so important," she said. "It's a safe place to cry."
Online groups offer another option. Sutton attends a weekly support group, but has also found Web sites such as ywbb.org helpful.
She can read and post messages--about topics such as "DGI's," or Don't Get Its (those who can't relate and unintentionally say hurtful things)--when her children are asleep.
Ebenal attended support group meetings for more than a year after her husband's death.
The group did more than help her grieve. It also helped her find a new direction.
Lloyd, who facilitated the group, encouraged participants to plan for milestones such as the deceased spouse's birthday or the anniversary of the death.
She asked them to write in journals, make collages and practice good self-care, such as resting, exercising and eating healthy foods.
Ebenal said she realized she was improving when she'd wake up and her first thought wasn't "Doug died."
She also realized her sadness was lessening when she could listen to others talking about their grief and not immediately think of her own.
The group's impact was so strong that Ebenal now helps lead a support group with Lloyd.
When the newly bereaved walk in so obviously devastated, she said, she knows exactly how they feel.
"Little by little, walking them through it makes you feel so good."
Kim Baer: 540/368-5028
Email: kbaer@freelancestar.com
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