TOP 5 CLUES YOU'RE IN AN EMERGENCY ROOM

1. It's the middle of the night. Where else would you be?

If it's the middle of the night and you're not home, and also you're not having a lot of fun and/or you're not in jail, then you're probably in the emergency room.

You might even be there with your husband, who started feeling lousy at 4 in the afternoon but knew better than to go to the ER during daylight hours.

No one does that.

He also doesn't go at 8:30 p.m., when that lousy sensation is upgraded to a "general feeling of unhappiness."

Or at 11:30 p.m., when you urge him to let a doctor examine that sharp pain in his right side.

What he does is wait until 1:30 in the morning before waking his soundly sleeping wife to report that a trip to the ER is, in fact, medically necessary.

This is in accordance with international ER Rule 413.65-17a, which clearly states that legitimate medical emergencies only occur under cover of darkness, generally between the hours of midnight and 5 a.m., and only when denying life-sustaining REM sleep to a loved one is guaranteed.

At any other time of the day, your problem can be solved with an aspirin and/or an Ace bandage. Or bail money.

2. Inappropriate footwear.

Because a true medical emergency happens only when it's dark and you're half asleep, your self-dressing skills are compromised.

This means that moments after arriving in the brightly lit ER at Stafford Medical Center, you will glance down and discover that on your left foot is a shiny black shoe sporting a silver buckle and on your right foot is a ratty brown shoe with a gaping hole in the top, one of a pair you should've thrown out a long time ago but they're so comfortable that sometimes you slip them on to walk the dogs but never in a well-lit area.

And you will marvel at the fact that you were the designated driver for this particular outing.

3. The guy in front of you is bleeding into a grocery bag.