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THE BEGINNING of the school year brings Open House. To me, open houses have always been a little scary. You never know what to expect or quite what to say to the teacher. And you never know what your kid is going to do, or if they will be horribly embarrassed by you.
I've compiled a few suggestions designed to make open house a little easier on parents. These tips are mainly for parents of middle- and high-schoolers. Elementary-school children still love showing off their parents.
First of all, try to look nice. Wear some khakis and a plain, collared shirt. Leave your "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt or hootchie-mama stilettos at home. You want to look as boring as possible so your kids' teachers won't remember you. (This could come in handy later.)
Next, don't draw attention to yourself or your child. There is nothing more horrifying for a child than anyone noticing that, gasp, THEY ARE IN THE COMPANY OF THEIR PARENTS.
This means you should not wave wildly or high-five anyone. And at no point should you grab your child's hand or put your arm around her shoulders.
You should not smooth their hair down, tell them to stand up straight or demand they spit that gum out. You should not ask loudly if they brushed their teeth or if their shirts are clean.
Preferably, you will walk a few steps behind your child and communicate telepathically with him. If you don't possess this extraordinary skill, you can always send a text.
Next, don't look confused. If you are not sure where you are going, don't act like you don't know and, whatever you do, don't ask for directions. Let your children muddle around until they magically figure out where they are going, then you follow along behind.
Now we come to a very important part of open house--meeting the teachers. In middle school and high school, your child will have several teachers. Don't worry if you botch meeting the first teacher, because you will have a chance to improve with the next one.
Your approach depends on what type of child you have.
If your child is so "close" to the principal that your phone number is on speed dial in the principal's phone, you should probably bring some money with you. Gifts of money are a good opening strategy with the innocent, unsuspecting teachers who are about to spend 180 days with your difficult, I mean, "high-spirited" child.
If your child is the mouthy type, be really quiet when speaking to the teacher so that later you can say, "I don't know where he/she gets it."
Whatever your child's fault, in general, just act like they are perfect. Do not, I repeat, do not admit to anything. Once again, this will help you later.
If your child is one of those few really perfect kids, just stand there with a huge grin and bask in the glory.
As to topics of conversation, you might start by complimenting the teacher's lovely children, adorable pet Chihuahua, rockin' muscle car, or whatever happens to be sitting around in picture frames on the desk. If they have any "Star Trek" paraphernalia in evidence, it is acceptable to slip them the Vulcan salute as long as your child is not looking.
Look around the room for clues to help you find other complimentary things to say. For example, "I have always loved the Periodic Table" or "Aren't nouns great?"
Find a way to flatter both your child and the teacher. Old saws like "Junior loves to learn" or "Sally can't wait for school to start" just won't cut it. Say something like "My artistically gifted Ralph has admired your bulletin boards for years" or "My math-whiz Haley is excited about using your nifty classroom calculators."
Of course, if the room is crowded you can always just introduce yourself and your eye-rolling child and safely slide out the door.
Shannon Howell is a freelance writer who lives
