BY NANCY DEARING ROSSBACHER AND STEPHEN W. SYLVIA

FOR THE FREE LANCE-STAR

She: "Wait," a new acquaintance once said, "you actually get paid to eat? My guidance counselor never told me about that career option."

She then shouted to her husband: "Fred, come meet the only people with better jobs than mattress testers!"

He: This is a reaction we've grown accustomed to in the last 5 years. We want to say that it's actually grueling work--the unrelenting deadlines, the occasionally appalling cuisine and dreadful service, the surreptitious and exacting note-taking about ingredients and prices

She: Nah, no one's going to buy that. The fact is that, with the exception of visits to a few restaurants that shall remain nameless (and they did), it's been a gleeful half-decade romp through everything from foie gras to fried green tomatoes.

Our most recent review marked our 150th, and we think it's time for a fresh voice and viewpoint. It's also time I remembered where my own pots and pans are. (All clues are most welcome.)

He: As a farewell, we offer here a succinct compilation of our and our readers' most frequent restaurant complaints and kudos.

She: Servers, addressing a table as "you guys" is not universally well received when there is a female seated there. Even the guys often prefer to be called "sir" or, collectively, "gentlemen."

"You're welcome" is as many syllables as "No problem," and is undeniably more elegant, and may even ratchet up the tip.

That said, most servers deserve platinum medals for doing an exhausting job with smiles on their faces, and most diners recognize that.

He: Patrons, please turn off your cell phones or take the call well away from other diners. Alternatively, please put it on speaker so we can all live vicariously through your business deal/grocery list/upcoming date.

And please tip. If I were in charge of the world, any tip, unless to a server brandishing a firearm at the diners, would be punishable by law if under 18 percent.

Keep in mind that many order and delivery problems don't reflect the server's work.

She: Restaurateurs, you are well-loved and more appreciated than you might think. From the tall-hatted, school-degreed chef to the rolled-up-sleeve, short-order diner owner, what you do takes talent and hubris. All that's asked, at core, is cleanliness and consistency. Creativity gets bonus points.