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Which is weirder: Jersey or Area 51?

July 2, 2010 12:35 am

IGOT ALL EXCITED this week when I read a headline that said, "Obama to Swap Jerseys."

My first thought, of course, was that the president was going to swap New Jersey for the original Jersey in England.

Good riddance, I said to myself. Any Jersey--even a Jersey cow--would be better than New Jersey.

Turns out that Obama and the leader of Ghana were just trading soccer jerseys. What a bummer! I guess we're still stuck with New Jersey.

Then came the most intriguing headline of the week: "NASA Says No Sex in Space."

Now there's a real bummer! No wonder Congress wants to cut funding for the space program.

To tell you the truth, I didn't know we were looking for sex in space. I thought we were going up there looking for aliens or asteroids or the origin of the universe.

I guess not. From the sound of the headline, we're sending rockets into space looking for sex. What a waste of the taxpayers' dollars. NASA could have saved billions by just going to Nevada or a downtown New York street corner.

This revelation does explain why there are so few space aliens. They have no way to reproduce.

Remember all those talks of rocket ships taking civilians on vacations in space? After this headline, it may get tougher to find passengers.

NASA Says No Sex in Space. I wonder how this affects the Big Bang Theory.

Space aliens may have a hard time reproducing, but all it takes is one of these creatures to draw a crowd. And this weekend, hordes of people are likely to invade Roswell, N.M.

The occasion? Why, the anniversary of the alleged spaceship crash just outside that small city.

It was 63 years ago today that many insist that an unidentified flying object slammed onto a New Mexico ranch. And, according to believers, there was at least one passenger aboard.

Some swear that there was an autopsy performed at a nearby military base, that pictures of the alien were taken and that the government has been covering up the story since 1947.

Not that I don't believe the government wouldn't try, but can you think of anything that Washington has been able to keep secret from the press over a 63-year period? The federal government has more leaks than a tin can hit with birdshot.

Still, there were witnesses to all the space alien stuff that supposedly went on near Roswell, and the place has become a big tourist town.

Among the speculation concerning Roswell is the belief that there was more than one alien in the flying saucer that went down and that the feds have hidden the surviving space aliens away at Area 51 in Nevada (which Washington insists doesn't exist).

Some even say that one of the captured space creatures is a female of the species.

Hey! You think that's why the spacecraft might have crashed? That they lost control while "experimenting" in space?

Naw! No sex in space. NASA said so.

One final note. Did you see that Marilyn Monroe's chest X-rays sold at auction this week for $45,000?

I wonder what the chest X-rays of that space alien in Roswell would be worth?

I still think President Obama should trade New Jersey--to anybody for anything.

Donnie Johnston:

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