FINALLY, THE DAY is here. But lest you think it is all milk and honey, let me, as your medical adviser—and please, no further attributions like “blowhard” or “curmudgeon”—warn you of some of the pathologies of Christmas.

Let me tell you about these little- known pathologies that are likely to assail you as a result of the holidays—but for which I provide a simple cure.

Sentimentality is, of course, the cornerstone of Christmas. Watching all of those cheesy modern day knockoffs striving to be more sentimental than Dickens in “A Christmas Carol” can lead to dry eye—or lachrymal exsanguinations to use the pathological jargon.

Further effects of pathological sentimentality include auditory problems.

The turgid piped music with which we are assaulted from Halloween to New Year’s Day has been known to embolize to and get stuck in the brain—the auditory cortex, to be precise. Victims have been heard humming “Jingle Bell Rock” months after Christmas as they ride in the paddy wagon on their way to Snowden.

Gluttony is another pathological staple of the season.

It’s unfortunate that Christmas comes when we have barely finished the Halloween candy and the pies of Thanksgiving. But it is important to maintain the tradition of celebrating every festival, not just with eating too much, but with the most calorie-dense foods money can buy.

Santa is, of course, our role model for diet and sloth, with his milk, cookies and eggnog, and getting off his (ample) backside just once a year. No wonder he’s so jolly and rotund.

RIPPING OPEN PRESENTS

Impulsivity is another pathology of Christmas, indicated by whether you are able to hold off on opening your presents. (If you aren’t, skip this section—it will only make you feel bad).

I have described before the deferred gratification my half-German psychiatrist father imposed on our family—we were forbidden to open our presents till after tea, my sister and I gibbering wrecks of anticipation.