The last two popes have been Polish and German. But the Sons of Italy have bigger worries, for example: What the hell happened to Italian girls? As I ponder this question, I rend my garments and gnash my teeth.

In my part of West Virginia, Italian girls were almost as exotic as Suzie Wong. Then came college. Had I worn a bow tie at Marshall University, a couple of slim, olive-skinned, dark-haired beauties would have made it spin. Like Leonard Bernstein's "Maria," the name "Grace Cherico" was music playing.

Now, downbreeding with Anglo-Saxons, the herdlike preference of younger women for the hair color known as Britney blond, and fast food have all but eliminated such lovely visions from the American viewshed. Worse, however, are the species' newer personifications: Madonna, Lady Gaga, and Snooki, three of the most wretched slatterns on the planet, are all of Italian extraction.

Armed with Jurassic Park technology, it is not stegosauruses I would be resurrecting.

Paul Akers is editor of the opinion pages of The Free Lance-Star.