WE'RE midway through National Dog Bite Prevention Week, so let's hope you managed to make it this far without having your ankles gnawed on.

Apparently, dog-on-people violence is a pretty serious problem--at least as serious as carpenter ants and headaches, which also rate their own national awareness weeks, but perhaps not as serious as library cards and hot dogs, which scored a whole month.

Now I'm no expert (Should I be worried that most of my conversations start off this way?), but it seems to me that you can discourage dogs from biting you much the same way you discourage people from biting you.

For instance, if you don't want me to bite you, don't try to take things out of my mouth.

I know the fried chicken wing I'm gnawing on isn't good for me. I read Prevention magazine.

Still, it's in my mouth, which, not coincidentally, is where I keep my teeth.

So if you shove your do-gooding hand in there, neither of us should be surprised if it comes out with teeth marks on it. Those are probably mine.

You have your own food. If you wanted this particular piece of chicken, you shouldn't have left it unattended on the kitchen table, which is when it legally became mine, in accordance with the Chicken Wing Protocols associated with the Geneva Conventions.

Here are a few other helpful hints to keep from being bitten by dogs or by me:

Stay out of my yard without my permission, unless of course you're planning to mow it, in which case all is forgiven.

Stay out of my house without my permission, unless of course you're planning to clean it, in which case all is forgiven.

Don't tie anything around my neck and then yank on it. And don't let your overindulged kid do it either.

If you want me to move in a certain direction, try asking me nicely. If you make a good case for it, I'll probably oblige.

If you push, pull or poke me, you better have some Bactine handy. Just sayin'.