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Nobody puts bacon in a corner page 2
Aporkalypse? No!

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Date published: 10/5/2012

By Edie Gross


So, despite our doubts, we followed their instructions, putting just enough water in the skillet to cover the bacon and cooking it on high until the water started to boil.

Next, we lowered the heat to medium until all the water was gone and finished cooking the bacon on medium-low--all the while rolling our eyes at the absurdity.

Then we tasted the bacon. All I can say is that if we'd burned our bras, we would've felt awfully silly.

The fact that for 40 years I've consumed bacon prepared every other way but this one is nothing short of a crime against humanity, and the next time I'm at the Hague, I plan to file a complaint with customer service.

In the meantime, though, I have bigger concerns. Because you know what you don't need when you've just discovered the best way to prepare bacon?

A bacon shortage.

Not 24 hours after we'd enjoyed the best bacon of our lives, Britain's National Pig Association warned of an impending worldwide bacon shortage, a crisis of biblical proportions that, between you and me, has Lettuce Lobby fingerprints all over it.

Almost immediately--probably in an effort to thwart global bra burnings, tea dumpings and sharply worded letter-to-the-editor pennings--the American Farm Bureau Federation announced that the Brits had miscalculated, probably because of that pesky metric system.

According to the U.S. pork industry, there are plenty of pigs left to avoid the so-called "aporkalypse," though we'll probably have to pay more for them.

I'm honestly not sure who to believe anymore, but I'm not taking any chances.

I'll be hoarding a stash of bacon in a super-secret bunker deep beneath the Sierra Nevada mountains--far, far away from the prying eyes of the Lettuce Lobby.

Edie Gross: 540/374-5428
Email: egross@freelancestar.com

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