To the most esteemed Wayne LaPierre, in the name of Allah, accept the thanks of al-Qaida for your opposition to background checks for Bushmaster purchases. By the beard of the Prophet, with so many of my operatives on terror watch lists, it would otherwise be impossible to obtain the weapons necessary for jihad.

Peace be upon you, our everlasting gratitude as well for your support of high-capacity ammunition clips; there are just too many infidels for my holy warriors to murder to have to bother with constantly reloading.

No doubt you appreciate the humor of a man of straw being able to purchase large numbers of guns at your so-called gun shows.

The ayatollah wishes me to inform you that for your assistance to our cause, you may expect the services of 50 virgins (reduced from the usual number because you are an unbeliever, though certainly not a Christian, given your devotion to the means of mass slaughter).

May your flocks of goats and herds of camels be fertile.

Jack Dawkins

Stafford